Postulate #1: creating is terrifying
Postulate #2: everyone creates
The logical conclusion then is that we are all terrified, and I know what you are thinking, you are gonna say "but Todd I'm not terrified", to which I shall respond, "shut up you don't know what you are talking about... now let me think I'm smart for just a little longer". You see it's actually not creating per se that is terrifying, it's sharing the creation. Perhaps even the thought of sharing your creation is what's terrifying because once your creation is in front of another person you have lost all power and all at once the thing over which you had full control mere seconds ago is well and truly out of your hands. But even that isn't true because you still have all of your hopes, dreams, values, aspirations, and days or weeks, even months or years that you've poured into this... thing... that you are now sharing with the world, and here's the kicker... they have every right to despise it. So yeah... terrifying right?Now to address the second postulate that we are all creators. We have all been pretty well conditioned to believe that this isn't necessarily the case. Steve Jobs *cough* Samsung *cough* makes an iPhone... we buy an iPhone... but that's NOT how the worlds is! Even if you have no way of physically creating a thing you create ideas, sometimes jokes and hopefully friendships, but ultimately you have a far more intimidating creation we all MUST make. It's the creation that matters most to all of us and is the scariest, most dangerous, most intimate, and most beautiful creation that EVERYBODY gets to make... and that is the self. (notice I did not say selfie... as that is a thing that we create far too many of) And this more than any other reason is why I hate when people give the advice to "just be yourself", because who even is that? We are not born with a self, we create one (we are born with souls and intrinsic value... different rant).You make you out of the books that you read, the expectations you accept from your culture, interactions with your friends and family, as well as countless other factors that I cannot begin to list. And because the self is this terribly intense and personal creation, when someone tells you they don't like THAT thing, it's terrible. Which is why talking to a stranger or distant acquaintance is always scary (for me at least). Because when you talk to a new person you are making you inside of their minds, and you don't want to do a bad job because you may never be able to undo that first creation. That is why we all fear judgement so much, because judgement is just someone creating you in their own head without your permission or full knowledge of who you are. They're making you... but they're making you improperly, it's terrifying. ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING.
But there are a few ways I've found to make it less so, you can create the bare minimum... just give up... that's good... you can be really bland so as not to agitate anyone's sensitivities... or you can create things that you don't care about at all, or for people that you don't care about... OR you could just never (EVER!) share what you create... and of course all of these strategies are terrible ways to live. It is awful to see people doing this to their creations... to themselves... and yet we all witness it, perhaps we even participate by TRYING to be boring, or look like everyone else, or worse... not trying at all. All of this has led me to the belief that you know (or think you know) how worthwhile your creation is, be it an object, idea, or you (yes you), by how terrified you are when the time comes to share it with the world. I've only found one real solution to this, which is to just... create... in spite of fear, and to create constantly. To create for strangers, and friends; to create for your idols and your fans (as if I had any), for your peers and your superiors, and to consciously create your own self, everyday. Make you the you that you feel best inside of.
(side note: create friendships as often as possible, I believe that friends are the commodity which we should hold most dear, and despite the internet's love of proclaiming "the friend zone" as the most horrid of punishments doled upon men everywhere... the value of a friend will in all likelihood far outweigh that of a high school relationship. By investing in the lives of others and learning to celebrate happiness that is not your own you make your self far more valuable... and ultimately you are the greatest benefactor.)
The only way that I've found to temper the fear of creation is to create constantly, to be clear, the fear doesn't go away. You just get more comfortable in it. That comfort... that's what I want to focus on. (man segues are weird) Ever since a friend challenged me to follow the advice I had given him (to care a bit less about what others thought of me) I have been perseverating on the story of one Florence Foster Jenkins.
For those of you who don't know who Florence Foster Jenkins is, prepare to have your feeble minds blown. I will spare you all the boring detail and simply quote the first line of Wikipedia's article pertaining to her, "Florence Foster Jenkins (July 19, 1868 – November 26, 1944) was an American amateur operatic soprano who was known—and ridiculed—for her lack of rhythm, pitch, and tone; her aberrant pronunciation; and her generally poor singing ability." Lest you think Wikipedia was exaggerating I shall now permit you the joy of hearing her sing for yourself:
go ahead... let that sink in, that was painful. Now try not to be too surprised when I tell you that she SOLD OUT Carnegie Hall. Jenkins began her singing career when she was 44 years old, she was divorced, her parents had died, she had inherited a little bit (ok a lot) of money; and she decided to pursue her dream of becoming a famous opera singer. Honestly she had everything going for her, she had the drive, she had the time, she had the money, she wasn't afraid to fail, there was just the one small problem of being a terrible singer. But that's the crazy thing about her, she couldn't sing at all but she really BELIEVED she could sing. She would come on stage wearing wings and sing Verdi. It would be a total disaster... except that she had fun and everyone in the audience had fun, and as a result she had a pretty successful career. In 1944 Jenkins finally made it to her infamous performance at Carnegie Hall. She played a sold out show at Carnegie Hall and she SUCKED! This is vital because Florence Foster Jenkins set the bar for worst ever Carnegie Hall performance so low that I feel even I could leap over it. Now before attempting to do so I must admit that with my knees locked I can't even touch my toes, why is this relevant? Because that being as it is, realistically I will never achieve my lifelong goal of being a professional contortionist (ok so perhaps that isn't my real goal). Obviously in life you have to find the place where your talents meet the world's needs, but the great lesson of Florence Foster Jenkins is that aptitude is not destiny. I mean lets be perfectly honest here, she (much like I) sang like a tone deaf walrus... with a cold. However, since she refused to be self conscious about doing this thing which she sucked at people responded! Granted, it was often by laughing. But they responded! It was obviously fulfilling for her because she sang for people professionally for nearly 40 years. It sucks to be bad at something you love, but I really admire people who do it anyway (for instance I really admire myself when I attempt to do yoga). While I certainly hope none of us ever replaces Jenkins as the worst performance in the history of Carnegie Hall, I admire her too. As she once put it, "People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing.".
Honestly that's exactly how I feel. If I really do create something terrible, if someday my writing, or my self becomes an object of ridicule I hope that at the very least I can say that I was great... great at being terrible. Because at the end of the day I don't much care whether that stranger remembers our conversation with glowing admiration (I mean that would be nice and all), I care whether or not I allow how people perceive me to effect what I become... and what I make my self to be. So carry on, and try not to let your prolonged exposure to my peculiarity damage you too badly.
