So in short
Because I hate people! Ok, so I don't hate people per se, but I must admit all the phony lovey-dovey junk perturbs me. Or perhaps I am bitter because I have literally always been single on Valentine's Day... with no sign of that changing... LIKE EVER. And so I now present, without equivocation or apology:
A Loner's Guide to Getting Girls to Like You:
1) become a puppy, or a kitten, evidently they are "cute" and I totally agree (a sneezing panda bear is also acceptable)
2) I have had several extremely awkward and (in hindsight) very clumsy "relationships" which consisted of elementary school me being waaaaaaaaay too serious and "romantic" (it wasn't romantic). Don't be elementary school Todd, that does not work
3) to clarify, girls not named Bella Swan have what I will now refer to as CSR, or Creepy Stalker Radar, try not to activate that
a) Now if I can briefly interrupt my list I think that the second and third points need some explanation. The trouble with guys (me really... honestly I am assuming you are all just me) is that we are needy, but we are taught that we are not allowed to be needy. As a result when we get in a situation where it could just possibly, maybe, be kinda sorta ok(ish) to be vulnerable we (I) sort of rip our chests open and let the need flow out... and its kind of disgusting. My theory is that rational girls (and guys I hope) have this warning system inside their heads and whenever someone gets too obsessed with them it starts beeping like crazy and a loud voice comes from the sky shouting "back away". (which by the way is a totally helpful warning system because no girl (or any other person) is going to fill the holes inside of you)
4) RELAX
a) I would like to point the reader’s attention to those fun little Chinese finger cuff game thingies (thingies is a technical term), the more you are panicked and overeager the worse it is. Instead just relax, perhaps there is something to just being yourself. If you need to totally recreate yourself to make things work with another person the two of you could never really get along
5) It is really helpful if you see girls as people instead of pathways to kissing and/or emotional salvation
a) One of the things that I have noticed during my brief stint in existence is that if you treat girls like people (albeit people that like fart jokes somewhat less than the rest of your friends) they might actually, oh I don't know... not run away when you try to talk to them. And once you get to the point where they aren't creeped out by you perhaps you could be friends! Maybe... just maybe... one day you could be (wait for it) more than friends (tehe), shocking right, that friendship could be the basis for a later "relationship".
6) Finally, maybe don’t take advice from random kids on the internet who have never had a serious relationship in their lives
With that out of the way we can get back to the important things, like indiscriminately hating those annoying couples at school.
Ahhh - it's tough being single in a couples world. I've been there. I didn't marry until I was 34....so I totally know what it's like being the 3rd wheel.
ReplyDelete